Boredom leads to Creativity?

I'm a little bored right now, so I thought I'd take apart someone's bad writing. And self-aggrandizement, as will become apparent.
Ladies and Gentlemen, from the TV Tropes Writer's Block (which is allegedly a tool that helps writers) I give you Major Tom (Eye'm the Cutest!).
Enlarging the photo is suggested for maximum Eye'm the worstest.

Whatever the hell this is, it isn't good writing, neither is it an awesome moment. Unless it is that awesome moment where every decent writer on this planet secretly swears to kill all the hacks they find.

“Dig in right here and do not let them pass! The last transport is on its way!” Colonel Smith said as he hosed down the approaching Preyaran infantry with his M-5 machine gun. “You like that? There’s plenty more where that came from!”Mat, Tenchi and Daniel immediately ran over next to his position.“Sorry we’re late Colonel.” Mat said ducking behind the barricade with his rifle.“Better late than never Watkins!” Smith said as he glanced around for a count of his team. “Anyone seen Noland? Sasha? Viktor? Benjamin?”“I haven’t seen her since we pulled back from the motor pool! I think she got separated into the hospital.” Sergeant Major Sharon replied.“Great now I got to find Jessie. Watkins you just volunteered! Get in that hospital and find her and get her out of there! Yamanaka! Daniel! Get on the line and give us a hand!”

Firstly the punctuation is all wrong, and that is quite frankly the least offensive thing about this paragraph. This is allegedly an awesome moment. A hook for the reader. It is bloody boring.

Mat took off to the right intent on finding his missing comrade, the newest member of Assault Team Bravo, the 22 year old blonde haired, blue eyed, small chested Staff Sergeant Jessebelle “Jessie” Marietta Noland. Standing only four feet eight inches tall and weighing a mere eighty-four pounds she was the smallest member of the team ever, often mistaken for a child. But at the same time, she had proven herself in combat several years earlier at Tarsius and had passed full training for AT: Bravo.

I cannot even begin. Let me improve that for you because we clearly don't know everything about Jessebelle "Jessie" Marietta Noland.

Jessebelle "Jessie" Marietta Noland was a twenty-two year old, blond haired, but more platinum than yellow, blue eyed, like forget-me-nots and cornflowers and blue skies mixed together and really small chested because I love lolis. Standing at only four feet, eight inches, or 142.2cm and weighing merely eighty-four pounds, or 38.1017kg, she had a BMI of 18.8, which makes her barely normal and not fit for battle but that doesn't matter because she's got anime powers. She was the smallest member of the team ever, and often mistaken for a child but her parents, Ralph "Ray" Noland and Lucinda "Lucy" Noland nee Reed, did not think this a problem and encouraged her to play with the boys and learn to use guns. Why, they even thought it was cute! She once won a judo competition by throwing the other guy onto the next mat, so size clearly is irrelevant okay! She had proven herself in combat multiple times over like the time she dived through a pillbox with grenades in her clothes and survived. 

Disclaimer: This is ironic and I really don't write like that. 

More importantly, this is horribly wrong I can't mock it without gouging my eyes out. 

Meanwhile inside the hospital…“You think you elves got what it takes to kill me? Not a fucking chance! I am Jessie Noland and I have faced your kind before and sent you packing!”Jessie grasped her M-4 Breyl Automatic Rifle in hand. A large weapon, the Breyl stood nearly as long as she was tall at four feet in length and weighing in at fourteen kilograms. It fired a 20mm Minovski particle bolt at three hundred shots per minute with devastating firepower. Originally a Feyline weapon still used by them, the Breyl never saw much popularity in the Terran forces compared to the M-6 Ascendant Battle Rifle, but where it sees use it always sees a willing user.Two Preyaran Lancers opened fire on Jessie from a floor above her through the bombed out remains of the ceiling above her. She returned fire with a hail of eight shots downing them both. Three more Lancers popped out of cover above her to the left on another broken section of ceiling. She quickly shifted her Breyl over and gunned them down in a hail of fire.“Is that it? Really? Is that the best you can do?” Jessie yelled out as she fired on two more.“No.” A voice sounded from the ruins of the hospital.She rounded right catching sight of another Lancer trying to pass by above her and promptly buried him in a barrage of particle bolts. She shifted left to catch another target but this time when she pressed the trigger, the gun ran dry depleted of reserve charge. Jessie immediately reached for and drew her combat sword, a hand and a half weapon designed for close combat against the Preyarans.“Come on! Who else wants some!” She yelled out as she cast aside her rifle onto the ground.Four Lancers dropped down into the room she was in each having drawn their own swords.“Mighty brave of you Terran to draw on us like this.” One of them said. “We shall enjoy this.”Jessie reached for the combat knife on her belt and held it in her right hand opposite her sword.“Not before I enjoy this more.” Jessie quipped.

Elves? Lancers? Terrans? Where the fuck is this even taking place I cannot.
God why is this man telling us the specs of the gun how do they even matter? Bloody hell this really speaks for itself because it is genuinely awful. Oh and witty quips. Goddammit.

She flipped her knife onto its edge in her hand stepped her left foot forward and threw it at the opposing Lancers burying the blade in the rightmost one's right eye. That Lancer stumbled back in pain as she charged forward. She ran to the right catching the other Lancer on the right swinging and dodged the blade before countering with a stab into his chest. She turned backward running her sword through the Lancer with the knife in his eye and yanked it right back out holding it in a reverse grip in her right hand. The closest remaining Lancer charged, the second one close behind. The first strike came down and was met by Jessie’s sword as she turned backward and buried her knife in the other’s throat before yanking it back out. She turned again as the remaining Lancer tried to strike again deflecting the blade to the left and countering with a quick thrust into his belly.“I told you, not before I enjoy this more.” Jessie said to herself.“Impressive…most impressive.” A voice sounded from above.

No. This is boring as shit.

And this is just a taste of what I consider the Awesome Moments of Endless Conflict.

No.
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I am in true pain right now.